How to Communicate Effectively

Author: Kari Kagan, Psy.D.

​Learning how to effectively communicate with others can be one of the most challenging and rewarding skills a person can learn in their lifetime. Even people who consider themselves “easy to get along with” or a “people person,” are at risk for getting caught up in the heat of a moment and not being able to communicate effectively and clearly. For this reason, it could be useful to have a “go-to” skill that can help to provide some guidance during interpersonal interactions that could easily go awry. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a few different skills to help increase interpersonal effectiveness, but this article will focus on one that can be particularly useful for navigating conflicts, refusing a request by someone, and making a request of someone. The skill is called “DEAR MAN,” and I will go through the acronym and examples of how to use the skill below.
 
Describe

• Describe the current situation --tell the other person exactly what you are reacting to.
• Stick to the facts and to just one situation! It is important to only describe the indisputable facts of the situation, leaving out any judgments you might have about who is to blame or any comments about your feelings or what you want from the other person.
• Don’t include details from other situations that might seem similar to this one (i.e., “this is exactly what you did two weeks ago!”), just focus on the current situation.
• The goal of “describe” is to set the conversation up for success by making sure that both people are on the same page about what they are discussing.

 
Example: Betty and Joe have been married for five years. They are trying to spend more quality time together so make plans to go on a dinner date on a Friday night. Betty arrives at the restaurant on time and Joe is not there. She waits at the table without ever hearing from Joe. He eventually shows up 30 minutes late. They proceed with dinner but Betty is distracted. She decides to talk to him about it later that night…
 
Joe, I would like to talk to you about when you were 30 minutes late to dinner tonight.
 
Express

• Express your feelings and opinions about the situation.
• Try using an “I” statement (i.e., I feel sad) and avoid using “you” statements (i.e., you don’t care about me). This can help to prevent defensiveness in the other person.

 
When you show up late, I feel sad and unimportant. Quality time is important to maintaining relationships and I feel worried that if we don’t prioritize it, we will grow distant.
 
Assert

• Assert your needs by asking for what you want (or saying no to something you don’t want).
• It is best to proceed under the assumption that others can’t read your mind and will not know what you want unless you ask.
• Be as clear and firm in your assertion. The less ambiguity, the less room for misinterpretations and unmet expectations down the road.

 
I would like you to commit to showing up on time to future dates. If you can’t make it on time, please call me with advanced notice to let me know when you plan to get there.
 
Reinforce

• Reinforce or reward the person by explaining to them the positive effects of getting what you want or need and the negative effects of not.
• Help them understand why it is important to accept your assertion (what is in it for them) and reward them afterwards.

 
Doing your best to show up on time and to prioritize quality time with me would mean a lot to me and make me feel closer to you. I think it will also improve our relationship in the long-term.
 
(stay) Mindful

• Stay focused on the conversation at hand…try not to get sidetracked by distractions the other person might bring up.
• There are two techniques that could be particularly useful to help stay mindful:
  • 1) The broken record – keep asking for what you want (or saying no) over and over again. No need to try to find a new way to express your need, just keep repeating yourself in a calm manner.
  • 2) Ignore – if the other person tries to distract you by changing the subject or threatening you, stay focused on your objectives and keep making your point.

 
In our example, if Joe starts to point out times that Betty has been late or when he felt deprioritized for some other reason, we want Betty to stay focused on the current situation instead of getting locked into a battle of who has done what to whom. For example, Betty could say, “I understand that I am not perfect either and would be happy to discuss that another time. For now, I am still asking that you try your best to be on time or inform me if you will be running late.”
 
Appear Confident

• Use a firm yet gentle tone in your voice. Try to avoid stammering or speaking low.
• Have confident body language – make good eye contact, stand tall, and face the person you are talking to.

 
In our example, Betty should make direct eye contact with Joe, sit up straight, and have a firm tone in her voice that lets him know that she is confident in what she is asking for and that it is a reasonable request.
 
Negotiate

• Be prepared to give something in order to get something. Since the other person has a right to deny your request, we want to prepare for alternative solutions.
• Alternatives might include reducing your initial request, or maintaining a no to someone else’s request but offering to do something else.
• A technique to help negotiate is called “turning the tables” – ask the other person what they think a good solution to the problem would be. This promotes collaboration and puts two people on the same side rather than against each other.

 
In our example, Joe does not feel he can commit to calling with advance notice if he is running late as he has a job that requires him to be in meetings that prohibit him from calling. In this situation, Betty might ask Joe, “What do you think we should do here? How can we solve this problem?” In the end, they come up with a solution that works for both of them, which is for Joe to send a text if he is unable to call.

The DEAR MAN skill is a great strategy to help you navigate difficult interpersonal interactions and to help get your needs met. If you would like to learn more skills for communicating effectively, please reach out to us for a free phone consultation.