Coping with Grief and Loss

Author: Katie Bloom Leoni, Psy.D.
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No one is immune from loss and grief. Losing someone or something you love is very painful and often shocking. Many of our clients are confused about the emotions they feel following a loss and might be worried about talking with others about their experiences. It is important to remember that grief does not follow a straight path as grief is an extremely individual process. There is no time frame for grief just as there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler developed the five stages of grief, which encompass common emotions and experiences of people going through the grieving process. You may go through each stage, may stay in one stage longer than another, or may not go through any of the stages at all. Think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs and highs and lows. Just as Kübler-Ross and Kessler said, “They [the five stages] were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.”    

The five stages of grief are:

1.  Denial

• “This can’t be happening to me.”
• In the denial stage, you might be experiencing shock and disbelief. It can be hard to believe that you have actually lost someone you loved and cared about. While you know logically that your loved one is gone, a part of you tries to deny the truth in order to protect yourself from the initial distress.

2. Anger

• “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• In the anger stage, you might feel angry at yourself, God, a family member or friend, or even your loved one for leaving you. It is natural to want to blame someone.

3. Bargaining

• “Please let my loved one come back and in return I will _____”
• When you bargain, you are giving yourself a brief reprieve from your pain, if only for a moment. The hope that bargaining provides allows you to get through the day and offers you comfort during your tough time.   

4. Depression

• “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• When in the depression stage, you may experience feelings of despair, emptiness, and/or helplessness. Increased crying, low motivation, and decrease desire to be with others are also common. Things that once brought you joy may not anymore and you feel as though without your love one around, you will never be happy again.

5. Acceptance

• “I’m at peace with what happened.”
• The acceptance stage is not the idea that you are okay with your loved one being gone. It is the notion that you understand and accept that you have a new permanent reality that does not include this person. You may begin to focus on the present and the future rather than the past.

Remember that although the grieving is difficult, letting your emotions out and allowing yourself to feel however you feel is part of the healing process. Treating yourself with compassion and kindness and practicing physical, emotional, and social self-care are important. If you’d like to talk with a professional, we’d be happy to offer you a free consultation in order to make sure you get the support you need.